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magical squelleton

July 2015

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inglorious basterds

In the name of the moon...fuck off : Chapter V

title:In the name of the moon...fuck off

summary:The retelling of the Sailor Moon story but with the guys from tgwtg

disclaimer:I do not own any of the characters mentioned in this fic,they are the online persona of other people and you can find their work at http://thatguywiththeglasses.com/
Sailor Moon belongs to Naoko Takeuchi

warning:crack!fic,a bit of slash,guys in skirts,OOCness and did I mention a lot of crack ?
and this fanfic was inspired by the manga and not the anime, this will explain why certain plot poits that appeared in the anime will not be mentioned

A/N:I know I haven't uploaded in a looooooooooooooong time but I was in a quest for a beta and I finally found one so I thank bontaque for beta-ing the fic and as always,I would like to thank again robynred for making this fic come alive. And do excuse any grammatical/spelling mistakes and weird sentences constructions as english is not my first language.

chapter I chapter II Chapter III Chapter IV

Critic was walking back from home with grocery bags as it was his week’s duty to do the food shopping. He was accompanied by the ever clinging Mike who had taken place in one of the grocery bags.

“We should patrol this area tonight,” said Mike. ”We can rid of the eventual enemies as usual and try to find the Silver Crystal”

“Patrolling is boring. Can’t we rest tonight? There's been nothing going on to past few days.”

“Critic, be more conscious about the fact that you’re a senshi. You could be ambushed at any moment, so take your job seriously!”

Critic poked his tongue out and pretended to ignore Mike.

“Also, you should be careful about Tuxedo Kamen. It’s suspicious that he’s always at the same place as us, keep your distance.”

“Well it’s not my fault if that creep is always following us.”

“But that guy seems so familiar, like I’ve met him before,” thought Critic. Recently he had been having strange dreams. A strange white palace where he felt like it was home but at the same time, it wasn’t. Spoony, Linkara and other faces that he didn’t recognize were there. He hadn’t told anybody but Mike, who told him that it was normal and that Linkara and Spoony must also have strange dreams similar to his because it was connected to their destiny or something like that. He was pulled out of his thoughts when he bumped into someone, making him to drop the bags and Mike along with it.
Critic kneeled down to pick the dropped food.

“Watch where you’re going, you...” He raised his head and saw a familiar face that filled him with an inexplicable rage



“It’s your fault for not paying attention, fuck-face.”

“How is it my fault?” yelled Critic. “You were in the way ass-clown!”

“Anus shit fucker!”

“Fuck monkey!”

“Shit load of fuck!”

“Shit spewing ass!”

“Crazy hobo mumbler!”

“I wasn’t talking to myself! I was talking to my cat!”

AVGN looked at him before he noticed the cat, who was licking his wound from the fall.

“Is this how you treat your cat you fucker?” asked AVGN picking up the cat and petting him. Critic, with his free hand, gave him the finger.

“Why are you here?” asked Critic. “You don’t live here.”

“Well excuuuuuuuuuse me for being in the same town as you sweetheart,” said AVGN, grinning at Critic’s briefly but amusingly shocked face. “I didn’t know I had to ask permission. May I, O’ great Sir Critic, step on your grounds?”

“Shut up Nerd,” said Critic. “Being in your company makes me want to puke. Get to the point.”

“I’m here for business and that’s all I’m going to tell you, so bye.”

AVGN put the cat in Critic’s busy arms and walked past him. Once out of his sight the Critic exclaimed “What a fucking asshole!”

Critic continued walking until being blocked crowd full of people in front of an arcade.

“That’s weird,” said Critic.

“What’s weird?” asked Mike.

“That arcade has been closed for 10 years. It was supposed to be demolished.”

“YO! CRITIC!” Critic turned around to see a black jacket wearing moustached man.

“Angry Joe? What are you doing here?”

“Haven’t you heard? A rich collector has bought this old shop to sell his arcade machine collection for next to nothing!” said Angry Joe excitedly. “He’s got everything!”

A roar of excitement was heard from the crowd. The moment the arcade opened its doors, all of the gamers waiting rushed in, pushing each other out of the way.

“Gotta go, it was nice seeing you Critic,” said Angry Joe rushing to enter the arcade.

“Yes, this is definitely weird,” said Mike.


That night, Angry Joe was returning home with a signed contract stating that he was the new owner of a Primal Rage arcade machine. He was slightly disappointed but still happy to have won something. Suddenly, he had a feeling that he was being followed. He span around, only to see one of the other gamers from the arcade. He continued walking but still felt like something was wrong. He looked behind him quickly and saw that there were now four men behind him. They approached him and began to form a circle around him.

“What do you want?” yelled Angry Joe

A man, presumably the leader, pointed at Angry Joe and the three other men began to attack him all at once. He desperately dodged the punches and manageda fewcounter-attacks but he was at an obvious disadvantage. After two minutes, Joe was miraculously still standing but he was beginning to tire. One of the men jumped on his back, distracting him to allow another man to punch him in the stomach. Angry Joe fell to the ground; two of the men pinned his arms behind his back as a third started to kick him repeatedly. Kick. Kick. Kick. Joe felt like he was about to pass out from the pain as the men's eye began to glow. Suddenly he saw another man standing to the side, watching.

“HEY YOU!” screamed Angry Joe. “HELP! HELP ME!”

The man fled, leaving Angry Joe to the mercy of the men.


Everything was quiet in the house. Spoony and Linkara were in the guest bedroom and Rob and Critic were in their own, with Mike curled up on Critic's bed. Critic awoke and sat up suddenly, hearing the sound of a window opening. When his eyes adjusted, he saw Tuxedo Kamen crouching on the window sill.


Critic threw everything that was within his reach at the man.

“Listen, I have something important to say...”

Critic ignored him and continued throwing things at Tuxedo Kamen.

“Can you please AH! Just listen OW! Oh, fuck it." Tuxedo Kamen jumped out of the window and began to run.

“COME BACK YOU FUCKER!” screamed Critic, getting out of bed.”I’M NOT DONE WITH YOU!”

Mike, woken up by the commotion, looked out of the window to see Critic running after Tuxedo Kamen. He sighed and went to wake up Linkara and Spoony.


Critic was running after Tuxedo Kamen, at 11 pm, in a t-shirt and his underwear. The scene looked quite ridiculous but Critic didn’t care, the only thing on his mind was catching that motherfucker and beating him up. After a while, he began to wondering where Tuxedo Kamen was leading him. Suddenly, he came across Angry Joe, surrounded by four guys with glowing eyes. One of them was forcing Angry Joe to look in his eyes. Linkara, Spoony and Mike, ran to Critic’s side.

“It’s the enemy,” said Linkara.

“Let’s beat them up,” said Spoony.

Linkara and Spoony pulled their transformation wands out of their pocket.



“Be careful!” said Mike. “They're under mind control so you can't kill them!”

Critic was looking around for Tuxedo Kamen but when he failed to find him, he grabbed his compact and transformed. He ran towards Angry Joe and helped him get up.

“I’m…okay...” said Angry Joe.

Linkara and Spoony were only punching the men, careful not to kill them. Luckily, they went down easily. Finally, only the leader was left. As the punch collided with him, he disappeared, fading like a shadow.

“Haha! My real body is up here!”

They all looked up and saw a man standing on top of a building.

“You?!” exclaimed Spoony. “We destroyed you a week ago!”

“It was only a shadow, like the one you just destroyed,” the man said. “My name is Sean Fausz. My mission is to avenge my fellow comrades and friends. So that means I’m going to have to kill you.”

As soon as he finished his sentence, Sean jumped down from the building, creating a shockwave that threw everyone off balance. Linkara man-punched him but he just stood there, like a mighty glacier. Linkara was quickly thrown aside and Spoony's fireball only burned his jacket.

Sean grabbed Spoony and did a body-slam and then walked towards Critic and Angry Joe. Critic rushed towards Spoony, helping him getting out of the Spoony-sized hole in the ground.
Angry Joe, who recovered from the fight, stood on his to feet.


Mike noticed that the sign of Jupiter appeared on Angry Joe’s forehead. He grabbed a pen and yelled at Angry Joe.
“Moustache man !" yelled Mike. He threw the pen with all is might at Angry Joe. The moment that he made contact with the pen; he was surrounded by an intense light. When the light disappeared, Angry Joe was wearing a green sailor fuku with a pink ribbon on his chest and green laced boots. He experimentally moved his arms and the electricity followed the movement.

“HOLY SHIT! I can control lightning!” said Angry Joe.
Angry Joe looked at Sean, with a grin. Oh no, not just a simple grin but the grin of a mad man.


A lightning rod hidden inside his tiara extended, crackling with electricity. Lightning rained down from the sky, Angry Joe moved his arms and points his finger toward Sean.
Sean screamed in agony until his corpse caught on fire and dropped on the pavement.

“That was fucking awesome!” exclaimed Angry Joe, pumping his fist in the air. “But why am I wearing a skirt?”

“Long story,” said Spoony.

“We’ll try to explain,” said Linkara.

“Basically,” said Mike “you’re Sailor Jupiter, the senshi of thunder, lightning and electricity."

Suddenly a glow formed around Mike and a pink stick with gold decoration, a jewel and a silver crescent moon on the top appeared.

“Don’t worry, this wand is an important object,” explained Mike. “It’ll come in handy. I’ll show you how to use it later. Now that all four senshis are gathered, it’s time for you, Sailor Moon, to become our leader and search for the Silver Crystal and protect the princess."


Hahaha, oh god. I'm new to this fandom and what I've read so far is great, but a SAILOR MOON STORY!? That's just perfect. This is like the fond memories of my childhood, smashing with The Now. Awesome. <3
WOOT! Yey more and we have a Jupiter *dances* I love the exhange with nerd and critic and also when Joe finds his powers - annnnnd skirt :P
lol, this was great. I missed reading your Sailor Moon crack fic. Please keep going :)